Sunday, August 17, 2014

I am discouraged today. I attended my new family ward for the first time today. I felt lost and forgotten most of the day, not because people didn't reach out to me, but because I do not belong. The part that was the hardest was during the Relief Society lesson when they discussed why young people are not getting married and it was suggested that it was because they did not want to get married. That could not be further from the truth in my case. All I have ever wanted to do was to get married and have a family, but it hasn't happened for me yet. I have tried so desperately to be righteous and to be faithful in my callings and temple attendance in hopes that the Lord would bless me with the opportunity to marry and have children. Oh how I want an eternal companion! I know the teacher wasn't meaning to be hurtful and so I am not offended, but I wish that people could occasionally see into the hearts of others and be wise in their actions. In Sacrament Meeting, the scripture from Matthew was mentioned about the fallen sparrow. As I was trying to find the passage on lds.org today, I found a talk written in 1997 by President Thomas S. Monson that spoke to me. It is entitled, "The Spirit Giveth Life." I needed to hear it today and I assume others are struggling out there today. I know my life is not hard, in comparison to some, but I know we each face trials sometimes stronger than we feel we can bear and in those times, we feel utterly alone, as I have been feeling recently. Not only has my mom passed away, but my sister moved out to live with my dad. I am living alone, attending church alone, working at a school where people do not know me, and feeling forgotten in so many ways! I needed to hear this quote today.

"In a day of danger or a time of trial, such knowledge, such hope, such understanding bring comfort to the troubled mind and grieving heart. The entire message of the New Testament breathes a spirit of awakening to the human soul. Shadows of despair are dispelled by rays of hope, sorrow yields to joy, and the feeling of being lost in the crowd of life vanishes with the certain knowledge that our Heavenly Father is mindful of each of us.
The Savior provided assurance of this truth when He taught that not even a sparrow shall fall to the ground unnoticed by our Father. He then concluded the beautiful thought by saying,
“Fear ye not therefore, ye are of more value than many sparrows.
“Whosoever therefore shall confess me before men, him will I confess also before my Father which is in heaven” (see Matt. 10:29–32).
We live in a complex world with daily challenges. There is a tendency to feel detached, even isolated, from the Giver of every good gift. We worry that we walk alone.
From the bed of pain, from the pillow wet with the tears of loneliness, we are lifted heavenward by that divine assurance and precious promise, “I will not fail thee, nor forsake thee” (Josh. 1:5).
Such comfort is priceless as we journey along the pathway of mortality, with its many forks and turnings. Rarely is the assurance communicated by a flashing sign or a loud voice. Rather, the language of the Spirit is gentle, quiet, uplifting to the heart and soothing to the soul."
As I have been grieving for a little over a month, every night I fall asleep quoting "Come, Come Ye Saints." I quote, "Come, come ye saints. No toil, nor labor fear. But with joy, wend your way. Though hard to you, this journey may appear. Grace shall be as your day. 'Tis better far for us to strive, our useless cares from us to drive. Do this, and joy your hearts will swell, all is well, all is well." I repeat  this phrase over and over until I fall asleep. I pray that I may not fear my life's labors and travel my journey with joy! Although my burdens seem heavy, I know that my Father-in-Heaven has sent me His Son, my Savior to help lighten my load. I pray that I might have the Spirit be my constant companion that I might hear his gentle, quiet voice uplifting and soothing my soul. Thanks for reading!

Wednesday, August 6, 2014

I saw a post on Facebook today that has me thinking. I think that sometimes our weaknesses and trials are also are strengths and visa versa. For instance, as a child I suffered some abuses at the hands of some of my babysitters. I have dealt with this since I was 3 and because of this have many weaknesses. I have a weakness toward discouragement and I lack trust with others. I also have dealt with anger, depression, and social anxiety. Because of the pain I suffered as a child, I also want everybody I meet to feel loved and so I treat everyone with as much love and respect as I can. I try to live my life so that everybody I meet feels loved. The trial that has caused my greatest weakness has also caused my greatest strength, or so I am told. We never know what kind of battles those we meet are fighting and so it is our job to treat everyone with the utmost respect and love. I am not the healthiest person you will ever meet. I am morbidly obese. I have had experiences that have crushed me, because of the judgments of others. One time, I was going to see the lights on Temple Square. I was standing, because there was no sitting room on the train. My nephew and niece were also standing. At one of the stops, my nephew started to fall, so I let go to help him. The people I was standing by made comments and gestures about how the elephant was going to fall on them. Then they laughed and made fun of me for the rest of the trip to Temple Square. My sisters were irate, but I just stared forward trying not to let them know I was broken-hearted. I just sat and watched these BYU shirt-wearing people make fun of me. I was humiliated. I didn't allow myself to cry until later at Temple Square when I knew they weren't around. I didn't want to give them the satisfaction of seeing me cry. How could I be angry? They were right. I am morbidly obese, despite trying hundreds of diet and exercise programs, I still am. It is part of who I am.  But, how could people judge me so harshly when they didn't even know me? My older sister has a few favorite quotes that have helped me through this process. First is, "People are innately good. They do things for a reason. Before you judge, ask why." Second is, "Everyone is fighting a battle we know nothing about. Don't judge." I think we need to be mindful of others and their struggles. Our greatest weakness is often our greatest strength! In Ether 12: 27, we read, "And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them." I believe that our weaknesses and our strengths can be the same thing, at the same time. I
am grateful for my strengths and my weaknesses, but I do pray that my weaknesses disappear some day. Thanks for reading!

Sunday, July 20, 2014

The last time I posted on my blog was the day before my mother went into the hospital. I feel like so much has happened since then that I don't even feel like the same person writing this blog. I guess I should give a description of the last few months. On May 11th my mom was taken to Bingham Memorial Hospital in Blackfoot for what we assumed was a blocked bowel. By the next day, things had become worse and my mom was rushed by ambulance to the University of Utah hospital. They were going to life flight her, but couldn't because of the high winds. She spent the next 8 days at the hospital and was released on May 20th. She was so happy and called me to tell me that she was free and that she loved the smell of the fresh air. Sadly, this was short lived. Eighteen hours later, my mom was back at the University of Utah hospital with major pain. They did tests and discovered that she had a bowel that had burst and they needed to do emergency surgery on May 22nd. I was on a field trip and was not able to make it down to Utah before my mom went into surgery. She got out of surgery at almost 1 am on the 23rd. When I went in to see her, she was intubated. She spent the next week heavily sedated. She had 5 surgeries in 10 days, as they tried to clean her out and repair her small bowel. Finally on June 1st, they were able to get her closed. During that week, they had to put in a tracheostomy, because of the risk of infection she would be fighting. They discovered an abscess that they had to go in and drain. They also had to trim her wound many times because of dying tissues and infections. Finally on June 19th, my mom got moved from the University of Utah hospital to the Promise Hospital (Long-term Acute Care), which was located on the fourth floor of the LDS Hospital. My mom began to improve greatly! Things began to look up and so I spent about a week and a half at my house and didn't visit as often. I needed to try to "have a summer." The week of the 4th of July, we went to Utah to spend time with my mom. She was on a speaking valve finally and I could hear her beautiful voice for the first time since May 20th. Her voice was so soothing and I had missed hearing it. Even though it didn't sound exactly like my mom, it sounded enough like her that I was so excited to listen to her. I spent two nights with her that week. The first night was great, but the second night was so frustrating for my mom. I believe this was the night that she started to get sick. I know I shouldn't, but I somewhat blame myself for being so frustrated with her fears. On the 4th, we had a special family party! We made glow sticks into "fireworks" and "sparklers," so mom could celebrate with us. It was an amazing time!!!  Who knew then that it would be the last holiday we ever spent with my mom?! Who knew that that would be the last time I would see my mom smile?! On July 7th, I told my mom that Emily and I would be going back to Blackfoot and probably wouldn't be back for a few weeks. I remember her rolling her eyes and her looking so sad! Emily promised my mom that she would come back on Thursday and my mom seemed to feel better with that decision. That night my mom's heart paused and she had to be shaken in order for it to restart. They had to put her back on the ventilator to try to get her heart to beat in rhythm. The next morning my dad called and Emily and I made arrangements to go back sooner. We decided to leave on Wednesday to go back. Again Tuesday night, my mom's heart paused. Again she had to have her heart restarted by being shook. On Wednesday, I had lunch with Shawnii. I told her that I thought we would be having a funeral the next week. I just couldn't shake that feeling, despite the feelings of my family members. We got down late Wednesday night and decided to both sleep with my mom. My mom wasn't feeling well that night, but she still was mouthing things to Emily and I and she was writing notes to the nurse. In the middle of the night at 4:30, my mom was in a panic. Her heart rate shot up to 150 beats/min. Her blood pressure was 175 over 78. They wanted to give her Oxycodon, but she refused. They gave her a little Ativan to help with the anxiety and she was able to sleep for an hour. About 5:30, my mom woke up and her heart was in the 160 to 170 beats/min range. She was scared. She looked at Emily and I and gave each of us an "I love you" sign. Then they gave her some meds and she passed out. This was the last thing my mom did consciously. About then, my mom's left side of her face began to droop. The nurses were worried she had had a stroke. They gave her medicine to slow down her heart rate and blood pressure over about an hour's time. Then they moved her rooms and she slept. She slept her last day away (July 10th). During this time, they discovered she had sepsis and so they started to treat her with antibiotics. Then they scoped her lungs and discovered she had pneumonia. The doctor called and said that he didn't think she would live through it. We joined together as a family. We even had Mary and Brian come from Rexburg and DelMar, Karla, Jenny, and Kim come from Millville. After a while, everybody began to leave. My dad, Mary, and I were the only ones there. By then my mom's blood pressure was 60 over 30 and they had to give her medicine to bring it back up. My mom's temperature had hit 106.5. I began to ask the nurse questions. I asked her, "If my mom survives this, will she have brain damage? Do we have any hope?" The nurse told us that we should always keep hope, but medically it would be almost impossible to come back from all of the issues she had. We called Becki, James, and Brian back to the hospital. We had family prayer and gave my mom a blessing. While we were contemplating everything, my mom began to cough up blood. We called the nurse in and told her we were ready. While she called the doctor to get the medicines ordered, so she could be taken off the ventilator, we played "My Sweet Lady" for my mom and we all cried especially when it got to the part, "Close your eyes and rest your weary mind. I promise I will stay right here beside you..." Then the nurse came in and gave her morphine and ativan and then they unplugged her machines. It was silent for 5 minutes as my mom struggled to breathe. As she struggled to breathe, a peace filled the room and we knew we were surrounded by angels and loved ones who had gone before. My mom coughed and then took her final breath. She stopped breathing at 2:42 am, but was declared dead at 2:45 am on July 11th. We stayed with my mom until 4 am, crying and holding my mom's hand. My dad kissed her forehead and my heart broke! Oh how he loved my mom!!! Oh how we loved my mom!! We slowly gathered her things from the 2 month stay in the hospital. As we left the hospital, nurses who had helped my mom hugged us and we thanked them for all their efforts. They actually gave me the stethoscope and told me to become a nurse, which I have considered since that time. The next week was a blur. We planned the funeral and had many visitors from friends. I had some of my dear friends the Wamplers come visit me in Kearns. I also had many of the kids I graduated high school with, bring me flowers and a beautiful Simon Dewey picture of Christ. The daughters did her nails, makeup, and hair, along with our dear friend, Paula Brady. We also got to give the life sketch together and it was a special tribute that I will never forget! When we buried mom, I went over and touched her casket for the last time and said my good byes. I miss my mom so very much! Tonight it feels like I might break in two! I still am filled with the peace that only the Spirit can bring! I know more than ever that the gospel of Jesus Christ is the true and everlasting gospel! I know that the Savior did and does feel my pain and He will carry me! I know that my mom is so happy to be with her daughters, my sisters, Christina, Sarah, and Rachel! What a great reunion they had! Also, I know how happy she is to be with her parents and her sister and brother-in-law! I have felt the power of the Atonement working in my life and I have felt the prayers of countless individuals helping to sustain our family! Oh how blessed we are! Thank you for reading!

Saturday, May 10, 2014

So...here goes nothing! Since I last posted, I have had two job offers. One job offer was to teach 2nd grade at the Blackfoot Charter Community Learning Center and the other was to teach 3rd grade at Groveland Elementary. It has been such a HARD decision, but I decided on Wednesday to accept the Charter School position! I am SO GLAD I did! So far, I have never felt more welcome from a new faculty in my life! You have to know I LOVE my Aberdeen faculty, but when I first got there, I wasn't treated like family right away! This new school has already invited me to come to meetings, make decisions about next year, exchanged phone numbers with me, and treated me like I belong! I am so impressed! I cannot wait to try this new adventure! I feel so excited and so happy with this decision! :-) I know my Heavenly Father blessed me to be in the right place, at the right time to have such a neat opportunity! :-) I also have been working incredibly hard on my Masters and am now 32% through my first class! I am hoping to have it done in 2 weeks! This is going to be difficult, since I also have to pack up my classroom and do the end of school year things with my class! I think I can do it, if I pace myself and stay to my schedule! Here goes nothing!!  Thanks for reading! I love blogging! :-)

Tuesday, May 6, 2014

So...I was able to interview at the Blackfoot Charter Community Learning Center and with the Blackfoot School District. I felt good about both interviews, the one last night, as well as the one this morning. Right before I interviewed today at Groveland, I got a call offering me a job at the Charter School. I now have some big decisions to make! You would think it would be easy...take the one that you definitely have, but it is just not that simple! There is so much playing into these decisions! What great opportunities to learn and grow!! I feel so very blessed for all the support received from family and friends! I truly am surrounded by great and loving people! :-) Thanks for reading! I never thought I would be a blog person, but this is kind of fun! :-)

P.S. I already am 18% through my first class of my Masters!! :-)

Saturday, May 3, 2014

I am going through so many changes all at the same time that I am having a hard time remembering to breathe. I bought a house a few months ago. It has been quite the adventure! I am trying to fix and remodel everything, because my perfectionist side is not comfortable without trying to improve things. The week I moved into my house, I felt strongly that I was supposed to quit my job, so I did. I put in my letter of resignation and will not be returning to Aberdeen in the fall. I am heartbroken to leave all of my friends, but I must do what I feel is right. So the following week after moving into my house, I began putting in my applications to school districts. I have interviewed in one school district with no success. I have two more interviews this week and I am praying for the best, but I am so nervous. I don't know what I would be if I wasn't a teacher! Also, last week I turned 31. I am supposed to officially leave my singles' ward, but I am not sure how to leave more friends. I will be going to a family ward where I will not fit in, because I don't have a family. I decided I had to postpone this change, because I cannot lose all those I love at the exact same time. I am having a hard time breathing, let alone trying to do it by myself. I also am preparing to have one of my dearest friends move away! Also this week I started my Masters. I am trying to get my graduate degree in 6 months, instead of 24. I am crazy, but I want to do this as quickly as possible. I sometimes feel all alone and feel like I can't keep moving forward. Recently I had to give a talk on Enduring through Opposition. This is proof that Heavenly Father has a sense of humor, because it was a few weeks before my life was changing in so many ways. I have felt my Father-in-Heaven's help many times along this last few months, but especially in the last few weeks, as I have refocused my mind on what is important. I have started to read my scriptures again and started to pray more fervently. I can feel His all-encompassing arms around me! What a great blessing! Thanks for reading! It was cathartic to get this off my chest and onto a page. Thanks again!